Ways I’m Making Unemployment My Beeotch…5 Tips For Being Unemployed!


So I’ve had a week of unemployment and so far, I’m not bored. Not at all. Living the housewife life can be enjoyable…until it’s not and then you become a stark raving lunatic.

The following is a list of stuff to do while you are unemployed so you don’t go banana-cakes. (This is based solely on exactly one week of unemployment, so talk to me  again in 8 weeks and I may tell this list to go eff itself.)

1. Make a List!!
In an effort to keep myself busy, I made a list of stuff to do while I’m off. It’s a grand list, full of awesome intentions.
I’ve yet to cross anything off of it, but it’s there, on my fridge, for inspiration.


Ok, under bed is crossed off. Just because it's a lost cause.

Things like CLEAN BASEMENT and HAVE A GARAGE SALE. Short phrases for massive amounts of work. First of all, I hate my basement. It’s dark, and scary, and it smells like cat pee. This is because no matter how immaculate his litter box is, the cat prefers to piss on anything but. Stack of books? Pee on it. Pile of dirty clothes? Pee on it. Family of spiders? Piss on them, too. (Actually, I don’t think I mind that one so much. I hate spiders.) Basically my basement is gross…and I have no desire to spend a day down there riding the basement boat of tinkle town. But I will. Eventually. It’s on the list.

2. Take a Shower, Stinky!
So yeah, I haven’t really gotten very much accomplished this week. But I have showered and dressed daily, complete with make up and hair spray. This is an important part of being unemployed. You must not let yourself go or you will fall into a slump of no mascara and sweatpants.


Proof that i shower, wear make up, and also wear my seatbelt.

Bitches be frumpy. I see it allllllll the time. There is no reason to not make yourself get up and look pretty, even if it’s just for yourself. And, if you make yourself look EXTRA pretty, and make a couple really good dinners, and be in an awesome mood when your husband gets home from work…maybe, just MAYBE he will realize how amazing it is to have you at home and he won’t make you go back to work full time. Maybe you can find some kind of awesome part time job at a school district and get summers off forever?? Not that I have put very much thought into this…it’s just a hypothetical. *Wink*

3. Find A Work Out Buddy!
Now that you have your list made and your hair and makeup lookin like WHOA, then it’s time to start working on your fitness. You aren’t working. There is literally NO EXCUSE for not working out. Trust me, when it comes to working out, I am the queen of making excuses, and even I can’t think of one right now. The best work out buddies are people who are already in awesome shape and in a daily routine of working out. In my case, my new work out buddy is my mom. Aside from exercises that I do at home, I signed up for a month of hot yoga. My mom has been doing hot yoga religiously for three and a half years. She never makes excuses and she just really loves doing it, so she’s the best work out buddy ever. In reality, she wants the entire world to love and embrace hot yoga, so she is just happy that I’ve started going with her. And she doesn’t even laugh at me when I fall out of my Eagle Eyed Crouching Cobra Dragon Tree or whatever funky pose I’m falling out of for 99.9% of the class.


4. Indulge Yourself. A Little.
Losing your job, whether it’s from being laid off like I was, or being fired, or being forced out by health or whatever is one of the top most stressful situations in the world for a  human. It’s life changing. It’s painful. It makes you second guess yourself. It can basically make you feel like shit. But only if you let it. You have to take care of you and give yourself some love. I went and saw a movie. I went to lunch with my gram. I bought a bottle of Apothic Red and drank the whole thing and didn’t share. I took my kids out for ice cream. I sat on my porch and watched a thunderstorm roll in. I got an iced coffee. I snuggled Carla’s baby. You gotta give yourself a break, a hug, a pat on the back. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s actually a new beginning.

5. Lean On Your People!!
That’s why you have family and friends. If you are hurting, say so. If you need encouragement, ask for it. I had a shit ton of drinks with Bethany last weekend and she let me alternate between being in tears and laughing hysterically the entire time.


I sat on the porch with my hubby and cried, and he convinced me everything was gonna be OK  and after that he made me laugh and rubbed my feet. I asked my kids for extra hugs and kisses and snuggles. I invited myself over to Carla’s and felt my heart swell when the baby gave me a giant smile. I talked my mom’s ear off for hours. I let people help me, cheer me up, and tell me how awesome I am. The best thing about family and friends is that you don’t have to face anything alone.

So there you have it. No matter what you are going through, you’re gonna survive. Unless you find yourself getting pissed on by my cat in my basement. There’s really no coming back from that.



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